A Completely Biassed Ranking of NZ Reality TV
Words by Maia Ingoe (she/her)
Introduction
NZ Reality TV is like trying to bake your Gran’s pavlova recipe. It usually comes out flat and deflated, but if you're lucky, you’ll get something light and crisp with a soft, gooey middle. The recipe for NZ Reality TV is a bit different. You need a host that’s firmly embedded within NZ mediocre television. You’re either given a cast of everyday kiwis with a passion, or a cast of C-list ‘celebrities’ a.k.a. a mix of sports stars, comedians, Shorty Street actors, and some people you’ve never heard of. And there’s always that one dude who has made a career simply out of being on reality TV. New Zealand froths a bit of competition, so you're going to need something to play for. And if the recipe succeeds, you’ll get some wholesome moments of kindness and sportsmanship.
This is my completely biassed rating of NZ Reality TV—because even though you think it’s shit, Mum, it’s my guilty pleasure. The shows must be filmed and produced in NZ (sorry to Drag Race Down Under). Read ahead to find a show to watch or reminisce about pre-teen nights stuck at home with your parents muttering about how “there’s nothing on TV.”
Celebrity Treasure Island
Rating: Five stars
I stan this show and will fight anyone who doesn’t. Grab a bunch of NZ celebrities + give them each a charity + chuck them on an island (in this case, a beach in Northland) to battle it out in a series of colourful challenges, all in hopes of gaining a poetic clue that eventually leads to a treasure map. What sells the show for me is the characters: flamboyant Chris Parker next to rough-n-tumble Buck Shelford is comedy gold. Edna Swart is unapologetically competitive and hot while doing it and Angela Bloomfield is the camp Mum we never knew we needed. The show also makes consistent use of te reo, and in an episode towards the end, the cast meets with Ngāti Kuri to talk about the significance of the land they are filming on. But it’s also just fun, easy watching—it’ll make you laugh and take your mind off the state of the world.
Where to watch: The 2021 season is available on TVNZ On Demand, and another season is scheduled for 2022.
Dancing with the Stars
Rating: Three stars
Dancing with the Stars is the cheesy, romanticised, awkward darling of NZ Reality TV. As per usual, we’ve got a cast of so-called New Zealand ‘celebrities,’ along with an iconic panel of judges (I was delighted with the addition of Lance Savali this season). Contestants learn to dance and saunter across the floor in a glitzy costume for charity. I have fond memories of begging mum to let me text in one vote for my favourites, only to steal her phone and send in three. And we all remember the fever dream that was David Seymour’s season. I went into the current season with high hopes: Comedian Eli Mathewson was set to be half of the first same-sex pairing on the show, which was the most exciting cast announcement. Despite that, the show moved slowly, punctuated by painfully awkward banter between the hosts. The best of the dance pairings have been voted off within the first three weeks of the season, making us question whether the combination of judge’s rating and text-in voting is broken.
Where to watch: The 2022 season is live on Sunday and Monday nights, with already-aired episodes available on TVNZ On Demand.
LegoMasters NZ
Rating: Two stars
Dai Henwood is the host of New Zealand’s version of this widely popular British show. The episodes so far show a swanky lego playground where six teams build masterpieces in sixteen-hour challenges. There’s a Lego warehouse with bins of coloured bricks of all shapes and sizes—I honestly froth the organisation. Full disclosure, I was a terrible child who loved following the Lego instructions down to the letter, so I admire the amazing creations here. But unfortunately, the slow-moving pace of LegoMasters just isn’t for me—in the first episodes’ sixteen-hour challenge, the most dramatic thing that happened was a failed rollercoaster build and a controversial giant rubber duck creation. And maybe I agree with my mum on this one: Dai Henwood just is a little bit gross.
Where to watch: The four episodes of the season so far are available on TVNZ On Demand.
The Block
Rating: Three stars
Arguably the most classic kiwi TV show of them all, The Block challenges four pairings to somehow renovate an entire house each while competing in silly mini-challenges, struggling to budget their Freedom Furniture shopping hauls, and driving around in a brand-new SUV. Drama thrives on the worksite and the tension is thick when the room scores are revealed. There’s never a quiet moment and it stresses me the fuck out—fortunately, host Mark Richardson laps it all up like the bloodthirsty creature he is. But the final auctions can be disappointing. These beautifully expensive Auckland homes can sell for millions of dollars, but it isn't always enough for the contestants to go home with a profit. Sometimes, contestants don’t even recover all the money they’ve spent renovating it, despite all of their blood, sweat, and tears. It seems ironic that in a housing crisis where most of the population doesn’t have insulation, a reality TV show spends thousands of dollars building luxury homes in the most expensive city in Aotearoa.
Where to watch: A new season is set for 2022 on ThreeNow.
The Bachelorette New Zealand
Rating: One star
The producers of The Bachelor wondered how they could counter criticisms that told them pitting a catalogue of women against each other to gain a man's affection was sexist. The best idea they could come up with was to put a woman in the power position. Yipee. But I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed calling out “red flag!” at all the men walking up the red carpet. It was downhill from there—as soon as the men were left to themselves, toxic masculinity reared its head. There’s not even cool outfits to judge, because straight kiwi men don’t seem to know that suits come in many colours. I wish there was more flexibility in sexuality here, but maybe it's just that the straights are the only ones toxic enough for this show. Just let me say, if we had bisexuals on The Bachelorette, the drama would pop off.
Where to watch: The 2021 season is on TVNZ on Demand.
The Great Kiwi Bake Off
Rating: Four stars
I never thought reality TV could be relaxing, but that's exactly what The Great Kiwi Bake Off is. It’s visually beautiful; the show is filmed in the ‘Bake Barn,’ which is a flash shed kitted out with lime-green counters, mixing machines (unfortunately not Smeg), and a few floral arrangements. It’s set on a farm on Auckland's West Coast, which almost looks like a cliff on the edge of the world. You just have to love the notebook illustrations that show the contestant’s plans for their baking creations. Hayley Sproull and Madeleine Sami are delightful hosts. What I appreciate most is the kindness between contestants: when someone is royally fucking up their sponge cake, another contestant is there, full of support and suggestions. Why should we feed on a toxic competition culture when we could appreciate this wholesomeness? I take points off only because it makes me crave gourmet cakes I can never afford and will never have the baking skills to create.
Where to watch: The 2021 season is available on TVNZ On Demand.