Stop Having Shit Sex
I’m parked up by Starbucks, chocolate frap in hand, when my phone lights up. “I just had the best sex of my life,” reads a text from my mate. I let out an ungodly shriek, spilling my drink down my shirt, and furiously start typing back, demanding more details.
In my world, there is no such thing as TMI.
My friends and I love dissecting sex together, sharing hard-earned wisdom as well as tips and tricks we hear on our favourite podcasts. Even when it’s past midnight on a weekday, if my friend wants to know whether he should “fuck Karen,” I'm there to give my two cents.
But I’ve noticed a trend that’s unsurprising at best, and heartbreaking at worst. For students partaking in hookup culture, shit sex has become the status quo.
The bar for hookup sex is located in the seventh circle of hell, and anything sexual experience that exceeds the bare minimum is written off as a happy accident.
Thursdays in Black, a national student camapign to end sexual violence, defines consent as being “full, free, ongoing, enthusastic, informed, mutual, and reversible”. Having a sound understanding of consent is heralded as the ‘gold standard,’ but it's truly the bare minimum.
Just because you’re having consensual sex, doesn’t mean you’re having good sex.
I roll my eyes as my friends have bragging contests for what the worst thing someone’s said to them during sex. Honourable mentions go to: “I can’t go down on you, it's too hairy,” “Tell me your trauma,” and “Since I’ve cum in your mouth, I can never kiss you again.”
As students, we’ve been fed the fallacy that having lots of casual sex is empowering and a hallmark of you #livingyourbestlife. What can be true for some isn’t gospel for all.
Shit sex isn’t just sex that feels shit in the moment, it can also be sex that feels shit retrospectively. If you reflect on all of your sexual experiences, and eliminate all of the shit ones, how many good moments are you left with? If the number is lower than you’d like to admit, something’s gotta give.
Here’s my hot take: Having shit sex is much worse than not having sex at all.
I strongly believe we need a cultural shift where we prioritise quality over quantity when it comes to sex. We can do this by being more intentional about the how, what, when, why, and even who. Try this litmus test: Ask yourself if you would want to be seen hanging out with your casual sexual partner(s) in broad daylight. If the thought makes you cringe… that’s a red flag.
For our Sex Issue this year, Salient’s pushing you to have better sex. In our features, Maia helps you develop a better relationship with porn, Darcy talks about the importance of aftercare, and the Filthy Geographic outlines what self care looks like for sex workers.
Later on in the issue, we share our sexiest playlists, explore the intersections between sex and art, launch a new sex advice column, and help you find your ideal contraception.
So draw the curtains, light a candle, and put on The Weeknd. It's about to get real sexy.
Ngā manaakitanga,