That’s how I’d do it: A Blueprint for an Aotearoa Superbowl Sunday

Matthew Casey (he/him)

On Monday, 8 February 2021, I was perched in a sub-par Wellington bar with a shitty $11 jug and good company, watching the Superbowl. This is the life, I thought, unironically eating chicken wings because that’s what you’re meant to do. In a nation with such prestigious titles as the Ranfurly Shield and the Weetbix Tryathlon, there is an opportunity for us to do the Superbowl, but better. 

In the COVID-19 era, a lot of places on earth can't—and shouldn't—be holding events. The Mayor of Tampa, where the American Superbowl was held a couple of weeks ago, has come out as being a bit bloody annoyed that masks weren’t being worn in the stadium. At the time of writing, we also can’t be holding events. Luckily, we can have hope that our quick response to community cases will make events safe again soon. And so, here is my blueprint for an Aotearoa Superbowl Sunday:

Location 

For the actual event, we’ve got to go to one of this country’s top stadiums. This may be biased, but it’s hard to go past Rotorua International Stadium. With houses overlooking, it’s one of those legendary grounds where both grandstands and embankment allow for varied viewing options. Since Rotorua is having a rough time with tourism, I believe this will assist the local economy too. No need for all this Auckland/Wellington grandiose; if we’re having a one-off national event, we need it at our nation's best stadium. Since a lot of us won't be able to afford a stadium seat, a backyard BBQ is an excellent alternative option.

Food

Talk about a world class culinary experience, without having to fork out for $9 hot chips at the stadium. We need aunty Rhonda at the sausage sizzle—pork and fennel—alongside some glorious vegan alternatives on some world class Soy & Linseed bread. The food thing is really up to the consumer, eat whatever you want. I’d make sure to be eating Shrewsburys and be sipping on a Waikato Draught, but to each their own.

Cater your BBQ by shopping local as hell. You’ll need big bottles of Budget fizzy drinks, and healthier options such as water to get through the day.

Music

The most/only interesting part of what feels like a 30-hour game of *not* Rugby League is the music. The Weeknd was fucking gold this year, almost as good as seeing The Wiggles live at the Wellington Town Hall when I was 5. Talk about a fruit salad of excitement! This is the part that half of the viewers care about. There are two big music parts: the national anthem and the halftime show.

National Anthem

Imagine before all the spectacle, Dame Kiri Te Kanawa comes out of retirement, and she’s backed by Fat Freddy’s Drop for a 12-minute rendition of “God Defend New Zealand”. Chef’s kiss.

Halftime

Picture this: Sir Dave Dobbyn super spectacular. Halfway through his set, the voice of Jesus, I mean, Dave, proclaims “all the way from Onehunga: SWIDT''. The stage lights go off, and all of SWIDT appear, performing from one of the houses overlooking the stadium. After they’ve performed, a supergroup featuring Aaradhna, Marlon Williams, The Herbs, and more come out to perform an earthshaking version of “Slice of Heaven”. I would honestly run it straight at Sonny Bill Williams for a chance to enter the lottery to view that.

Sport

A lot of different sports would deserve all this hype and such a large stage. To be honest, this would be a good show to have around the 2021 Rugby World Cup final, when the Black Ferns *knocks on wood* make it to the final again. They’re the undisputed, best team in the entire nation, so they deserve to be the centrepiece of such a huge event. At the end of the game, you’d have the Sport and Recreation Minister Grant Robertson giving Eloise Blackwell her MVP medal to a roaring 20,000 person crowd. Pure gold.

Adverts

The other big thing that people care about, other than the sport, is the ads—the overproduced, multimillion-dollar production. Here are a few notable brands that could have awesome adverts:

Huffer: They’d have, like, Post Malone riding a CGI dolphin into Wellington Harbour, wearing one of their yellow puffer jackets, and then he’d share a cup of tea with Mittens.

Lotto: They already do those overproduced ads, which is a weird way to spend the money they swear is being invested back into our communities.

McDonald’s: It’d probably be the world's longest version of the Kiwi Burger Ad: “Kiwis love Potato Tops, Topp Twins, recycle bins, Green Party election wins”.

The Interislander: “What a way to start a holiday” being sung by a choir of animated Kererū wearing Swandris, sailing to, in fact, the other side. 

Four Square x NZ COVID Tracer App: In the move of the century, Mr 4 is reminding you to sign-in when you go to Four Square, specifically the one in Bulls, promoting their hot chips. 

This isn't about sport, this is about unity. The Superbowl Aotearoa won’t be as over the top as the American one, but shit it would be fun. It doesn't mean much, but that’s how I’d do it.