Shit news: New couple enter bubble together because it will “only be three days”
Eugene Pipefitter
On Tuesday, 17 August, the Prime Minister of New Zealand announced that the entire country was going into Level 4 lockdown for “three days”, and that Auckland and the Coromandel were likely to be locked down for a week.
Upon hearing this news, recent graduate Veronica called her partner Ronald to invite him to stay at her intimate 5 person apartment because, as Ronald reported, “it was only meant to be for three days, dude”.
Ronald had predicted that he would be in the flat for a long time due to him watching the news and knowing that “the Delta shit is fucked”. Despite his belief that he’d get along with a flat full of girls he “hadn’t talked to too much”, he contacted Salient on the 5th day to report that insurmountable tensions have arisen—“The girls she lives with are so toxic”.
“I feel like a guest in my own bubble, Veri Beary (Ronald’s nickname for Veronica) has already sent me to sleep on the couch because my snorings too loud”. He continued, “this was her fucking idea, I’m not whipped though, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Upon hearing him say ‘Veri Beary’, Salient sent a private message to the other members of the bubble, whose responses were as follows:
“I don't know why this dude is at our flat, they started going out last week and he’s so cringe, he literally brought an entire suitcase as if he’s trying to move in here”
“This dude is literally shirtless the whole day, not showering, not cleaning his dishes, and Veronica has the absolute gaul to tell us that we need to be nicer to him, yet she doesn't even want to be with him”
“They’re just another one of those annoying Wellington couples who aren't compatible but decided to do lockdown together because they are so desperate to have someone like them”
An independent investigation by Salient has found that Ron is in fact the toxic person in the bubble, despite being the person to report these problems.
When speaking to couples psychologist Brick Tamland, Salient discovered that this is common, and that “this lockdown, there has been an increase in toxic couples living together because they were deprived of intimacy in the 2020 lockdown. Even though it was only meant to be three days, people were actively aware of likely extensions.”
Veronica defended Ron: “I really think I can help Ronald change, he’s just a bit misunderstood, like the Joker”.