“Pure Dead Brilliant”—The Second Most Addictive Substance in Scotland

Jamie Clarke | He/Him

5/5 STARS

Are you looking for something delicious to fill that soda-shaped hole in your heart? Look no further than Irn Bru (pronounced “iron brew”), a bright orange and (probably) radioactive Scottish soft drink. 

As a proud Scot, I want to encourage Irn Bru consumption here in New Zealand, and so I shall do my best to describe its delectable flavour. However, after spending a year in this country trying to convince my friends that Irn Bru is infinitely better than L&P (sorry not sorry), I have run into the problem that describing Irn Bru is a very difficult thing to do, as it doesn’t really taste like anything else.

I’d personally argue that Irn Bru tastes like liquid gold, but apparently that’s ‘not very helpful’ for some reason. It’s sweet, for sure, and has a very subtle tangy aftertaste. But apart from a glowing review, I can’t really describe it any better than that. I can tell you what it doesn’t taste like. It doesn’t taste like lemonade, or cola, or any other soft drink I’ve come across. Despite the characteristic colour, it most definitely does not taste like oranges. It just tastes… Scottish. But not like Trainspotting-and-grim-weather Scottish, more like deep-fried-Mars-bar-and-adorable-West-Highland-Terrier-puppy Scottish.

I think a major issue is that I’ve literally been drinking Irn Bru since before I was born. Like all good Scottish mothers, it was a staple in my mum’s pregnancy diet. So, it’s hard for me to objectively describe the taste. You’d therefore be forgiven for thinking that hearing from someone who just lost their Irn Bru virginity would be useful, but you’d be wrong. After I forced everyone within a 100 metre radius of me to try Irn Bru after finding it in my local dairy, my friends likened the taste to bubble gum. In doing so, they managed to offend a nation of 5.5 million people. Comparing our beloved Irn Bru to bubble gum is almost as ‘disgustang’ as calling us English.

Irn Bru has played an essential role in keeping us Scots at the peak of health ever since its creation in 1901. No, I’m not talking about how it helps us win the number one spot in the Percentage of Heart Disease Related Deaths per European Country competition every year, I’m talking about its hangover curing properties. Us Scots often refer to Irn Bru as ‘Scotland’s second national drink’—the primary drink being whisky, of course. This means we can drink as much whisky as we desire on a Friday (or Tuesday) night, before curing our ailing bodies and minds the morning after with a can of Irn Bru. So, next time you’re hungover and make the exhausting venture to your local dairy, ignore the Powerade (waking up before 2pm isn’t a sport), have a look for the distinct orange and blue palate of an Irn Bru can and give it a try—you won’t regret it. And if you do, then you clearly just hate Scottish people.

Do watch out, though—all Irn Bru manufactured since mid-2018 has half of the sugar content, due to the Scottish government implementing a tax on sugar. Maybe we’ll live longer, but at what cost? I bought 50 cans of the full-sugar stuff when this change was announced (no shame). So don’t worry, there are currently 32 (out-of-date) cans sitting in my dad’s garage… 18,000 kilometres away.

In conclusion, Irn Bru is the greatest soft drink known to man. Am I biased? Och aye. Do I give a fuck? Naw.