My Kitchen Fools
Lachlan Ewing | He/Him
In the modern neoliberal world, it is easy to miss out on that sense of community so integral to humanity. Two years ago my six flatmates and I endeavoured in the experiment to cook dinners communally. Each flatmate would have one night a week to shop, cook, and clean, and six to kick back. The system would be maintained by the mutual respect we had for each other, which ensured we strove to provide the homies a five star meal on our night. Here is a week in the culinary life of our Kelburn Parade flat to inform your decision on whether to flat cook.
Monday—Saskia
The one girl in the flat is the only one that can always be trusted to warm hearts and bellies with her cooking. The rest of us have other skills, like pissing on the floor; or the shower, when it’s running. Also the shower, when it’s not running. This week was no different, and she got us off to a flying start with her trademark mega bean deluxe™ nachos.
Quality: 7/10 | Quantity: 10/10
Tuesday—Alfie
Alfie is the least predictable flat chef, with his meals ranging from delicious curries to shit curries. Fortunately, this week he hit the mark with a Japanese curry accompanied by crispy fried tofu. There is nothing better than coming home late for dinner to open the fridge and find a generous portion of that sticky yellow goodness set aside.
Quality: 8/10 | Quantity: 10/10
Wednesday—Michael
As future VUWSA President, Michael Turnbull has an awful lot on his plate. However, he has chronic difficulty putting much on anyone's dinner plate. There was a long wait while he meticulously chopped every ingredient before beginning the cooking process. The dumpling noodle soup wasn’t his worst effort. However, it urgently needed some MSG. Also, the dumplings were store bought and I had to have a bowl of weetbix to fill up later. Uncle Roger would not approve.
Quality: 4/10 | Quantity: 5/10
Thursday—Felix
Felix is a creature of habit, usually alternating between red curry and cheesy peas. This week, however, something possessed him to spice it up a little. It was the first time anyone has seen him open a recipe book. Unfortunately, he was not aware that recipe book serving sizes are very misleading, and quantities need to be nearly doubled for us strapping young lads. The resulting broccoli chilli pasta was tasty enough, but left me requiring an even larger bowl of weetbix than the night before.
Quality: 5/10 | Quantity: 3/10
Friday—Lachlan
My Grandmother taught me to back myself even when no one else will.
Quality: 10/10 | Quantity: 10/10
Saturday—Rudy…?
During our time at KP, we’ve had late dinners, shit dinners, and shit late dinners. But every night, dinner has been served. On Saturday the 19th of September, the unthinkable happened: dinner did not arrive. Our would-be chef was tied up drinking from early afternoon—such things happen, and are understandable, so long as a pizza order saves the day. On this night, the pizza order was inexplicably never made. For his dinner next week, I will be serving him utu—cold.
Quality: 0/10 | Quantity: 0/10
Sunday—Ben
After four sub-par dinners and four nights of drinking in a row, morale was low. Ben’s birthday could not have come at a better time. He shouted us all out to dinner and drinks at Wellington’s slice of New Orleans, Sweet Mothers Kitchen. Great service and atmosphere, I cannot recommend Ben enough.
Quality: 10/10 | Quantity: 10/10
Overall
Quality: 6.3/10
Quantity: 6.8/10
Sense of community: 10/10