My first lesbian heartbreak

Lauren Davies (she/they)

The falling, sex, and life after 

Hello, my name is Lauren. A year ago, I wrote my coming-out article ‘Feminism or Lesbianism?’. It has been a whirlwind of a year, littered with lesbian love, a few tattoos, increasingly short haircuts, and… major heartbreak. 

So let me reintroduce myself.Hello I am Lauren, and I am a single, confused, anxiety-ridden, barely functioning, tragic lesbian. 

I remember watching Barbie or whatever. Prince Charming always saves the day. I was outraged at how ugly he was in comparison to the beautiful, male-gazey princess. My non-binary knight in shining armour, my gorgeous princess saviour, was not a fairytale, and we did not end happily ever after.

The Falling 

What did I do when I finally found my person? I dove in headfirst (literally 😉). People used to ask me, “how long have you guys known each other?” I would shrug it off and say, “ya know, lesbians move in a different time.” Five months of a lesbian relationship feels like 5 years. Me and my ex-partner are both chronically ill, so there was an instant feeling of solace when we were together. However, I learnt that when looking after someone else in a relationship, they must give back to you too (woah!).

After a few months of dating, I moved in with my ex-partner (as I practically lived there anyway), and in true gay fashion  we adopted an immunocompromised cat. We also lived with their ex and shared a wall with them. Yes, I know, I drove right through that red light! It was a gay fairytale when wearing those rose-tinted glasses…

Sex

Lesbians have bomb sex. As soon as you overcome the patriarchal idea of what sex is, IT IS AMAZING! “Club, another club.” Orgasms galore. Sex should be intimate, consensual, and fun.If you are both having a good time, good sex is achieved (even without the O). 

Public service announcement for queers or straights reading this: do not fear sex toys. Everyone needs a vibrator. That is my executive order. Vibrators are not your competition, they are your BFF (best fucking friend).

Sex is wild! Sex can be beautiful, and electrifying. It can also be scary. I found a way to finally have good comfortable sex, overcome my pain, and live with my sexual dysfunction. Learning to love your body is not easy. My uterus is still my gal-pal, even with all her issues. We are learning to work together, not against each other, when it cums to enjoying sex. 

Life After

My love, safe space, and life: gone. My belongings: booted into the hallway. My heart: obliterated. I had the infamous Contract Law test the next morning at 10am. I became completely dislocated in my life. Fortunately, my parents and friends looked after me. My family witnessed me be crushed by the very relationship that challenged them to accept my lesbianism. When your doctor tells you that you could do better, perhaps a breakup is for the best. 

I am still grieving the fairytale idea. For those out there entering the world of dating, or are in it, put yourself first. It is hard navigating this girl-eat-girl (no men allowed) lesbian world. It is also hard to know what you want! I am a people-pleaser by nature, though I know I am a person worthy of a love that uplifts me and does not control me. I am continuing my journey, being happy in my new home, or with my family of beautiful friends. I am excited to be loved. But I am learning to be satisfied with loving myself first.