Love and Looks in the Cretaceous: Film Review

Here’s the thing. I’m queer. I like dinosaurs. Obviously I like Jurassic Park, and obviously it left an impact on me as a young child. And because this is my review and no one can stop me, I’m declaring Jurassic Park (1993) and all of the characters within gay icons. Some, of course, look more like gay icons than others.

So, who looks the gayest in Jurassic Park?

Dr. Alan Grant: 4/5

He is the perfect dusty archaeologist. The button down tucked into chinos, red bandana popping out from his collar, the signature hat—this is an amazing look. He’s a comfortable grown up gay man. He’s the elder gay who has lived through so much and knows everyone. One point taken away for grabbing Ellie’s butt.

Dr. Ellie Sattler: 4/5

Every baby lesbian was in love with her. She looks like a bisexual who knows what she wants, loves to be a little fem, loves to dig in the mud. Chino shorts? Cute and practical. That over-shirt unbuttoned but tied at the waist? I’ve never seen anything gayer. Only not five stars because there’s no cute accessory to compliment it.

Dr. Ian Malcom: 3/5

Listen, that seductive walk toward the giant pile of shit was iconic and gay. But his fashion could go either way! Is he gay goth, or weird mid-life crisis? The leather jacket could be gay subculture, but the sunglasses? They are terrible. Why did he choose those pants? Why is his shirt unbuttoned so much? I need to know!

John Hammond: 1/5

He looks like my grandad on vacation. 

Lex Murphy: 4/5

I’m not sure what specific element of this outfit makes me think it's gay other than it feels like five to ten years after the events of Jurassic Park, Lex realised that gender is a construct and sexuality is fluid. Adult Lex picks up fem baby gays at a gay bar and introduces them to a whole new amazing world. I don’t understand what it is about pale skinny jeans and a weird print singlet that makes me think “that’s one whole gay” but here we are.

Tim Murphy: 5/5

If you’re unsure how trans men typically dress, look no further than one Timmy. I’m pretty sure I’ve worn the exact outfit from the original 1993 movie. It’s the shorts. The stripy undershirt tucked into the shorts. The oversized overshirt that doesn’t really match the colours of the rest of the outfit. The little bandana tied around his neck in a fashion that I can only call effeminate—these are all indisputably gay choices. He is the young gay, who may one day grow into the elder gay we see in Alan—and of course, in the film he does look up to and idolise Alan.

All of the dinosaurs in the park: 6/5

Here’s the thing—every single dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a lesbian and/or trans. They were all created female to stop breeding, and yet eggs are found. This is explained as a result of frog DNA—some frogs can change sex when needed. There are also some reptilian species that reproduce via parthenogenesis—where no male is needed to fertilise an egg. 

Regardless of how the dinosaurs look (which is scientifically inaccurate but definitely badass), these dinosaurs are canonically queer and therefore, they have to be the gayest characters in this movie. Each and every dinosaur, from the tiny Compsognathus to the incredible Tyrannosaurus rex and formidable Brachiasaurus, is gay. 

This, to me, means that Jurassic Park has some of the highest amount of queer representation in cinema.

Life finds a way.