KATHYJCUISINE: Putting Kelburn’s Culinary Creations to the Test
Words by @kathyjcuisine (hall/food)
My fellow Katharine Jermyn Hall inmates will testify that good food is hard to come by, especially on a tight student budget. But at Kelburn, do you have to sell your belongings or your soul to get a feed? Last week, Salient let me out of the ‘KAJE’ on a heroic quest to splurge on some tertiary tucker. Was it a hit or completely shit?
Wishbone
☹
RIP. Gone but never forgotten
Hunter Lounge—5/5
Margherita pizza and fries. Fresh basil? Go on. Perfect for sharing? You bet. Both crispy and fluffy? Get in my belly. If the university is financially collapsing before our eyes, hey, at least we have banging pizza.
Krishna Food—5/5
Served at a leisurely pace, the oft-underappreciated joint promises a hearty meal every time. I got the Krishna plate, and this reporter can confirm it is no KJ curry night affair. Packed with beany goodness and Caucasian-level spice, coming in at just $10, the portion size was perfect. Their house-made lemonade allows the citrus flavour to shine without being too bitter. Grab a plate, slow down, dig in. #CleanPlateClub
Nam D—4.8/5
I am begging you Kelburn sods to show this place some love! Shoved into an unloved corner of the Hub—always overstaffed, never overhyped—my expectations were low. But the $9 pork banh mi hit the fucking spot. I don’t know what they put in that sauce but I’ll take a bottle of the stuff. The crackling stuffed inside was a texture sensation. A sub-three-minutes make time and wrapped up NY style, this much is true: if you forget your sammie from home, this is a sweet alternative.
Maki Mono—4.5/5
It’s just sushi lol. Eight fun-sized, tasty treats that coated my throat like a boat in a moat.
Milk and Honey—4/5
The magazine succeeded in smuggling my fresher ass into the strictly postgrad diner and let me tell you: if you manage to sit through over three years of half-empty lectures and crippling debt, you can reward yourself with some slightly-above-average $21 spaghetti pomodoro. While the tomato sauce was too sweet for my liking, you’ve got to respect their cheese game. Fresh mozzarella? Get out of here. The pasta was overcooked like hell, but the vibes were good and I’m not gonna have a cry about it. Paired with a $5.50 house ‘orange’ soda, which cooled me down after my trek up the hill and had minty flavours galore, my mouth was singing. I’m a fiend for well-presented cuisines and Milk and Honey got the expectations high for my other victims.
The Lab—4.2/5
The Vic Books imposter tempted me with a chicken sammie ($12) and a salted caramel cookie ($4.50). The good: they don’t play about portions. This was a solid meal and it tasted fresh enough. The bad: the cookie had a bit too much baking soda odour for my palate, and the bap looked from the cabinet like it was packed with twice the chicken. Sneaky. The ugly: the bread was absolutely covered in flour, so good luck doing anything else for 15 minutes while eating that bad boy.
Louis’—3.8/5
School tuck shop vibes. The hole-in-the-wall coffee stand’s friendly staff put me in a good mood after two shitty lectures. The $7 supermarket mince-and-cheese pie was hearty, ^if you managed to swallow the $3 mark-up. Heavy but flaky, it reminded me of those gas station bangers that you’re not sure have any actual beef content but eat anyway. The $5.50 ginger slice was just like Grandma used to make.
Subway—3.5/5
I always find it hard to criticise Subway, and firmly believe that Subway haters were not loved as children. My Brother in Christ, you made the sandwich. But the Kelburn store at 12 p.m. on a Tuesday is the ninth circle of hell. Pumping with underfed students, with staff that look like they’d rather be anywhere else, I just wanted my footlong and wanted out. The sandwich itself was standard: the bread has no structure but somehow fills a black hole in your stomach, and the sauces come in clutch with a much-needed flavour hit. If a carb craving arises again, I’d raid the Kelburn Subway once more, no questions asked.