How To Get Ordained By The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Rachel Trow | Kāti Māmoe, Ngāti Hine | She/Her
Do you need to bless a union, like, tomorrow? Do the words “by the power vested in me, by the State of New York” get your ego tingling? Are you seriously considering dropping out but would still like a pretty piece of paper?
Well, you’re in luck, e hoa. For the same price as one law ball ticket, you can become an Ordained Minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM).
In the words of noodle boi and lead singer of The 1975, Matty Healy, “I used to be an ATHEIST. Now I’m just an atheist.” My spirituality only goes as far as my tūpuna and ngā Atua Māori. I worship only Indigenous Instagram.
In this essay I will:
Explain an entire religion (a field which I know nothing about)
Tell you how you can become one of their leaders
Do it all in 600 words or less
If you don’t already know, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is an actual, certified religion, according to themselves. Also according to the New Zealand Government. That’s right. You can quite literally be married by a Minister of the Church of the FSM in Aotearoa New Zealand but Jacinda can’t visit Ihumātao. Wild.
The ‘about’ page on their website insists that the Church “is legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.”
“Millions, if not thousands” of people (yes you read that right) follow the religion. These followers believe that the Universe was created by two giant, cosmic balls of meat and a matrix of “noodly appendages”.
This patron saint of carbs seems like a pretty gracious deity. They won’t condemn you to over-cooked pasta hell or curse your family if you decide to leave the religion. Apparently the FSM heaven is just tiddies and alcohol. Nice.
The whole thing was started by this capital-D Dude, Bobby Henderson in 2005. Bro wrote a letter of protest to his school district board opposing the teaching of Christianity as an alternative to, like, actual science. Apparently it was the biggest thing on the internet at the time. That, and “Chocolate Rain”.
My reckons? The meteoric success was the result of one of those cursed email chains that said you wouldn’t find love if you didn’t forward it to 10 people.
If that all sounds like a bit of you, here’s how you can join and get you a Certificate of Ordainment.
Step 1: Want to join
The Church has the easiest Mandatory Course Requirements in history. Want to be a member? Great, you’re a member. (If you still want to by the end of this last-minute culture piece, then seriously, seek help.)
Step 2: Acquire $72
Go on a rent strike. Busk on Cuba Street. Make some shitty polymer clay earrings and post them in Dic Veals. Sell oregano to teenagers and tell them it’s weed. Use the last remnants of your course-related costs and get a real qualification.
Step 2b is entrusting your credit card information to a website that doesn’t look like it’s been updated since the early 2010s.
Step 3: Wait
Couldn’t tell you how long for. The certificate seems to come from the COVID epicentre so could be weeks.
Congratulations. You are now legally allowed to bestow the horrors of marriage on unwitting couples in Aotearoa New Zealand. Go forth, spread the gospel, and don’t forget your colander hat.