Communicating on the Interweb
Sally Ward | She/Her
Everybody knows 80% of our relationships are conducted online. You might live two streets or two continents away from the person on the end of the can and string. If they don’t reply to your text, you can send them an email or a snapchat or a DM. It’s not clingy if it’s on a different app. Allgood. Here are some communication platforms, reviewed.
Cellphone: 8/10
You need credit to operate this wonder machine. That sucks. At least you can pretend you didn’t reply due to “insufficient funds.” Even though you actually just don’t like them. If you do have credit, pick up the phone and call your mate. Cutting the crap and getting straight to the interesting part of someone’s night out, rather than reading a thousand illegible texts is underrated.
Messenger: 6/10
If you’ve ever tried to delete FB, to ‘unplug’, you’ll know it’s a lot harder to survive without Messenger than you think. It’s the default option for anywhere with Wifi. Admittedly, it was ruined when people suddenly had the power to *seen* you. But then again, leaving someone on read is a Power Move. Group chats are like being stuck in the corner at a party with three people you don’t know while your only friend is outside having a dart.
Instagram: 9/10
The multimedia information sharing lacuna. Reply to stories, send memes, invite your neighbour to join your OnlyFans.
A relatively low maintenance option for making people feel like you care about them. You can even make someone feel extra special by adding them to your ‘close friends’ list. Awkward if they don’t put you on theirs.
Snapchat: 3/10
Snapchat has 210 mil active daily users wtf. It got real creepy when Snapmaps was introduced. Like hi I didn’t need to know that my work ‘friends’ Sam and Billie are bonking now. It’s efficient, you can send the same pic to 20 people in a few swipes. A reliable news source.
Whatsapp: 10/10
You, your Aunty, and your uncle’s ex-wife on a group chat together, sharing photos of your newest baby cousins and recipes from your Grandma’s cookbook.
Email: 6.5/10
There’s no pressure to reply straight away, sit on it for a couple of days. It’s the closest thing to a letter you’re likely to receive. Includes a fun series of sign off options including: ‘Cheers,’ ‘Warm regards,’ and ‘Best.’ Don’t forget to upload your attachments. Ideal for sending passive aggressive reminders to flatmates to hurry up and sign the bond form.
Zoom: 5/10
The angel and devil of 2020. A hot way to catch up with your lecturers. Note that they can see everything written in the group chat. Bring your cat or vape along to appear like a real person.
Omegle: -10/10
Don’t.
Tinder: 4/10
Want to run into your ex using a profile photo that you took or even better, you’re in? Wellington‘s a small place, at the very least you’ll catch up with a few people you already know and have a yarn about the last gig you went to. And then it will get really awkward when you see them irl because it’s not clear if they (like) like you or nah. Just here for the bants.
Owls: 17/10
Still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter.