A Not-Very-Definitive Review of Wellington’s Bars at Traffic Light Red.

Words by Phoebe Robertson (she/her)

Rogue and Vagabond ✰✰✰✰✰

This is a socially distanced haven for any Covid-stressed pals reading this article: On a sunny day, Rogue and Vagabond offers outside seating in Glover Park. If you get there when it’s quiet you can even snag one of their (probably not very well sanitised) beanbags or other variety of sacks and matts. 

It’s easy to relax with a reasonably-priced jug and some of the best curly-fries in Wellington. A prime people-watching spot, and if you’re lucky, you might even spot a dog or two. While the slightly mysterious Bedlam and Squalor room upstairs seem to be closed to events, downstairs still offers Jazz Nights and other events to have a fun night out. 

If it’s a nice day and you’re looking for some fresh air I’d say Rogue and Vagabond is the place to be. 

Circus Bar ✰✰✰

And the Britney song was on… Notably, no one was singing during my visit to Circus Bar. Instead, it was just a couple tables of individuals who seemed to be regulars of the venue who were blasting ‘early 2000’s music,’ a time frame which seems to stretch to the late 2010’s now. Unlike when Wellington first went into Red, their game consoles no longer have plastic bags over the controllers, but they are still playable. 

Though the claw machine that used to stock toilet paper is no longer operational due to Covid-19 restrictions, it was even more disappointing to see the pool table stacked away, and I reminisced on the days when we could stand up and three-way kiss on top of it. At least they still give away popcorn for free. 

If you want somewhere to lament for the past when the Traffic Light system wasn’t a thing, Circus is the bar to beat! 

Calendar Girls ✰✰

Nothing says social distancing like titties in your face for $5. While, unfortunately, motorboats appear to be out of the question during Red, lap dances, and private bookings are still available. It’s unclear whether masks are mandated in these bookings, and I certainly didn’t have the budget to test that theory for a Salient article, but it seems like masks might be a little futile if you’re naked in the spa with one of the dancers. 

Speaking of the dancers, they are notably masked up. However, paterons at table services don’t have to be masked. Probably under one of those Covid-19 ‘if you’re drinking at a table’ laws, though those laws don’t seem created for somewhere with quite this atmosphere. 

If unaffordable drinks and socially distanced boobies are your thing, I would recommend giving it a visit. Freshers give it a miss though, if you aren’t tipping the dancers don’t bother going in. 

Ivy Bar and Cabaret ✰✰✰✰

Say “poor air circulation” three times in the mirror and you’ll end up in Ivy’s windowless gay basement. And, similarly to the vibe at Calendar Girls, nothing says social distancing like a drag performer face planting into a cake then throwing pieces of it onto your table. It should be said, however, this moment was cleaned up promptly by the emcee. And the bar staff were all seen masked up the entirety of my visit.

Whereas other bars struggle finding a way to entertain their patrons without the tools of dance-floors. On a Friday/Saturday night Ivy shines with drag shows that usually take up a couple of hours of your time.

If drag performers and $6 beers are your thing, Ivy is a great option for something to do on a weekend night. 

Night Flower ✰✰✰✰

Listen, you can’t call yourself a true Wellingtonian artsy hipster if you haven’t been to Nightflower. A vintage-style punch house where you’re likely to miss the entrance, walk too far up the stairs, and then have to walk back down to look at a Google Review to make sure you’re opening the right, turquoise-painted, lion door knocker, unsignposted door. 

Once inside it’s an oddly intimate setting, tables are distanced in a way so that it’s easy to forget about Covid-19 restrictions. Notably, there are no menus to get grubby Covid-19 germs from, instead just bartenders who will ask about your tastes. As long as they’re expensive you’ll get a custom made cocktail that you can sip on, thinking about how good it tastes to still have mum and dad sending you money in third year. 

If you’re looking for an anniversary date, orto have not-like-others-bars taste, Night Flower is the best place to go. Just don’t get caught out when they get you to describe what kind of cocktail you want, vodka Red Bull doesn't count. 

Being a Hospo Worker ✰

If you’re looking for the Red experience without spending any money, maybe hospo work is more of your thing. When I put the call for this article out I had many people messaging me back wanting to share their experiences. 

One bartender talked about the discrepancies between venues; that it’s hard to enforce rules that other venues won’t and only results in angry customers and abuse of the staff. Another bartender mentioned the increased difficulty in managing intoxication levels and unsafe environment that has been created with venues having to shift focus from dancing to drinking. 

It’s also important to note that most hospitality staff I know have had (or at least been exposed directly) to Covid-19. It’s forced numerous bars to close with decreased staffing numbers and forced the few who remain without the virus to work increased shifts. 

If you’re looking to pick up the wrath of frustrated customers, maybe give hospo a shot. There are quite a few venues hiring at the moment…